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THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN!
A young man was strolling down a street in South London. As he passed a large building
with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood,
and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered
back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen,
fourteen..."
PERFECT MAN
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to
some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell
jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you really want is a
television set!"
TRAIN JOURNEY
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde
and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train
happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his
face"
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and
she smacked him".
(3) The Frenchman thought - "That Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by
mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that
French tw*t again".
A CHRISTIAN CONVERT
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of
evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said
to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear
closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his
eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell
on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to
kill him.
At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear
froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the
man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,
"You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit my
creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said,
"It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but
could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put
his paw down.
The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I
thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."
'CAT'ASTROPHE
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your bloomin' cat."
SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "Mummy, How old are you?" The mother
responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get
older."
The girl then asked, "Mummy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again,
"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow
up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mummy,
why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of
questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I
don't
want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play.
She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The
girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's
license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off
with, "Mummy, Mummy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years
old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130
pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.
Cos' you only got an 'F' in sex."
WHEN, WHY, WHAT, WHERE?
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay
for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
PERFECT WIFE
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Sir.
I'm really concerned... I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Yes, doctor, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids..."
ALL HEART
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
MARRIED BLISS - EASY
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they
admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great
discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "
RIGHT AND WRONG
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference
between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to
get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be
his wife!"
JUST CHECK
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the
country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man
he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in
there."
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