HAPPINESS
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you
think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the
body?"
TRACKERS
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of
the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear
things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles
away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in
wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far
away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in
the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
BAPTISM - A SERIOUS STEP
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly,
"Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself
and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our
guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly
prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
whiskey."
WORRY
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if your sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so
damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
SEEMS LOGICAL
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into
town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she
looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of
this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I
gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb
her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and
don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved. That next spring, right
on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon
bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured
two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just
gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl
looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke
again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first
penny?"
YOU’RE LATE
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked
later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she
stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to
navigate the stairs.
'Do you realise what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the
house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she
said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
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