Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't
see very well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc asks, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose
the past 2 years!"
A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She
didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before
the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your
seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through
your steering wheel?"
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" came the reply
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth
until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They
say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the
seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to
ask if he can go to the toilet. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is
sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through
the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in
looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when
the man noticed
the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper
"Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna
cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam' ".
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was
still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped
"I'd fall off the perch you idiot!!!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream
on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
GEORGE AND MILDRED
George and his wife Mildred went to the air show every year and every year George would
say, "Mildred, I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." Mildred always replied,
"I know George, but that aeroplane ride costs £10, and £10 is a lot of money.
One year George and Mildred went to the show and George said, Mildred, I'm 81 years old.
If I don't ride that aeroplane I might never get another chance." Mildred replied,
"George, that aeroplane ride costs £10, and £10 is a lot of money.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both
up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you; but if you say one word it's £10." George and Mildred agreed and up they
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He
did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to George and said, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." George replied, "Well, I
was gonna say something when Mildred fell out, but £10 is a lot of money.
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